


In The End

by Rooadoodle



Series: In The End [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Dragon Age II, Pre-Dragon Age: Inquisition
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 06:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5902816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rooadoodle/pseuds/Rooadoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With his relationship with Anders all but destroyed and Kirkwall in chaos, Kaelan Hawke struggles to cope and find stability in his life. Despite his friends attempting to help, he chooses instead to run to Ferelden in search of answers for his unanswered questions... and perhaps a cure for a broken heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The End

"Hawke?"  
Silence.  
"Hawke, please, slow down."  
A gentle hand caught his arm. Kaelan Hawke startled and jerked away as if the touch burned him. " _Don't. Touch. Me!_ " He snarled.  
Merrill pulled back, her kind green eyes wide and fearful. Hawke immediately regretted snapping at her. She had been the only one to stay with him after the battle at the Gallows. The only one who had persisted in following him despite his instance on being alone. Maybe Merrill was just too foolish to realize when a man needed his space, or she knew enough to recognize when he needed support. After all this time, Merrill was never put off by his abrasive nature like the others. She had always been so patient with him, so kind to him even when he didn't return the favor.  
Only one other had shown Kaelan such kindness. That person was gone.  
Kaelan turned away but he remained rooted to the spot, his legs refused to work no matter how hard he willed them. He felt exhausted so suddenly. He was bruised, cut, burnt, covered in gore from the battle... how he could still stand on his own two feet was a miracle in of itself. He felt so tired, so worn, as if the battle had lasted a lifetime rather than several hours.  
"Come on, Hawke, let's sit down," Merrill urged. She made no move to touch him again, perhaps for the best. "You should rest."  
Kaelan nodded silently and sat, right there in the middle of the dirt street. Merrill followed suit, remaining at a careful distance from him and yet just close enough. Lowtown lay deserted, no one cared about two lonely souls in the middle of the street. What few people were around were too busy dealing with the aftermath of the battle. Kaelan couldn't remember how he ended up in Lowtown. After Meredith had fallen, turned to lyrium by that accursed sword, he simply turned and walked... and kept walking. The world was a blur - a horrible, bloody, smoky blur. Nothing felt real, like a horrible dream. But he wasn't waking up either.  
"You're hurt."  
Kaelan looked down at himself and shrugged. "It's nothing. I'll heal myself later."  
Merrill shook her head. She raised her hand, hesitated, then lay it back in her lap. "I'm not talking about physically, Hawke," she murmured. "I'm talking about An-"  
" _Do not say his name!_ " Kaelan snapped. Again he regretted it the moment Merrill flinched. He looked away and folded his arms around himself. "I don't want to talk about it."

 

  
The sky split with a deafening boom. Unnatural red lights exploded from the Chantry and pierced the clouds, bathing everything in their light. The building was _gone_. Simply disintegrated as if it had never been there at all. It happened so quickly, no one had time to truly process. Kaelan heard Sebastian scream, the exiled prince fell to his knees in shock and began to pray. Everyone else remained deathly silent, struck by the horror they had witnessed. It felt like an awful dream.  
"Anders, _what have you done?_ "

 

  
"You can't _not_ talk about it," Merrill urged gently. "Please, Kaelan. Talk to me?"  
She rarely used his first name, no one really did. Sometimes he forgot he even had a first name. It sounded strange to hear it now, and felt deeply personal. To everyone he was simply known as Hawke. Or Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall. At the moment, he hardly felt like a champion of the city. Kirkwall was a mess, literally torn apart. His family, save for Carver, was gone. _Everything_ was gone. All he'd done, all he'd worked for, all of it lost to the flames now consuming the entire city. Everything felt so _pointless_.  
"Why are you here?" Kaelan asked. "I said I wanted to be alone. You should have stayed with Varric or Aveline. It's not safe out here."  
"I was worried about you, after what happened with - I mean, after all that's happened."  
Kaelan sighed heavily. "I appreciate the sentiment but I'm _fine_. Now go back to the others before -"  
"Do you expect me to believe that?" Merrill cut him off, exasperation from his persistent stubbornness edged her tone. Yet she remained ever patient, as always. "You don't need to keep shutting us out. We're your friends, Hawke, we can help you. We _want_ to help you. I do, anyway."  
"And what if I don't want it?" He responded through clenched teeth. "I can handle this myself. This is my problem, no one else needs to get involved."  
"It does involve us, though," Merrill persisted. "You forget we were friends with And - with him, too. At least... I considered him a friend. Even if he was mean sometimes. I don't know about the others but I'm sad he's gone, too."  
Kaelan turned his gaze toward the horizon, where the Chantry should have been. All that remained was the eerie red glow, framed by flames and smoke. Even seeing it now made his heart ache for all the lives that were lost... and for being a fool to let it happen. "He was never our friend," he growled between gritted teeth. "All we were was a means to an end." _That's all_ I _ever was to him._  
Merrill rested her hand on his shoulder, this time he did not flinch or pull away. "That's not true, Hawke. You know it's not true."  
She was right. He hated that she was right. Kaelan dug his fingers into his arms. He didn't want to believe that he had been betrayed by someone he had trusted so deeply, _loved_ so deeply. People had died by their hands, but he felt that there had always been a reason for it. The Chantry had no reason, it was senseless slaughter and nothing less. But what made him the angriest...

 

  
"Did Justice tell you to do this?" Kaelan questioned, his demeanor eerily calm. His gaze was pinned to Anders's back as he waited for the mage's answer, even if he already knew it. He hoped Anders would prove him wrong, he hoped he would say yes so he could have someone else to blame for this atrocity. Anyone but Anders. _Please, just say yes._  
"No." Anders's answer was simple. Absolute. And damning. "When we merged, he ceased to be. We are one now. I can no more ignore the injustice of the Circle than he could."  
"So, you start a massacre," Kaelan responded venomously. "To prove a _point?_ " How could he have done this? This wasn't the man he'd come to love, this wasn't the man he'd trusted.  
"I'm not proving a point!" Anders protested. "I'm changing a world! I thought you, of all people, would understand." There was disappointment in his tone, and accusation. Of course he would assume Hawke would understand. He hated the Circle, too, even if he'd never lived there. Did that justify the murder of innocents, though? Kaelan didn't think so.  
"No, Anders," Hawke murmured coldly. "I don't understand."

 

  
"He _used_ me," Kaelan spat. His voice, normally strong and unwavering, began to shake with anger and emotion. "He _lied_ to me! He said he was making a potion to separate himself and Justice. He said he'd found a way and he needed my help. I thought things were going to get better!"  
Merrill moved closer, her arm wrapped around him as he crumpled, burying his face in his hands with an awful wail of pain and anger. Hawke had normally been so strong and solid, to see him so broken and hurting was like being stabbed in the heart. "He broke your heart," she said, resting her head against his shoulder. "Oh, poor Anders... if we'd only known maybe this never would have happened."  
Kaelan shook his head angrily. "We couldn't have done anything. He knew we'd try to stop him, that's why he lied. Lied to _me_."  
"Perhaps not, but I suppose we'll never know," Merrill sighed.  
They trailed off into silence. The world moved around them without regard. Almost deathly silent in the aftermath of destruction. The entire city felt vieled in grief, mourning for the lives lost and the peace now gone. Who knew what lay ahead from here. For all Hawke had done, it had so easily come unraveled like a loose string on a sweater. This mess was one the Champion could not fix, for just as much of it was his fault as it was everyone else's. And he had no doubt he would be held accountable.  
"Do you... regret the decision you made?" Merrill asked after a long moment in silence.  
Hawke straightened and raised his face skyward. Trails from tears streaked through the dirt and gore on his cheeks. He breathed in a shaky breath, trying to steady himself. Did he regret it?

 

  
Kaelan held the knife in his hand so tight it hurt. He could see Anders trembling, afraid for what was to come. Kaelan knew he should kill him, just as he had every other person who had taken innocent lives. To take a life without reason was deplorable, and warranted the highest form of punishment. Hawke had never had trouble upholding his belief before but now... it seemed impossible. Everyone else, save Merrill, told him it was the just thing to do. An eye for an eye. Blood for blood.  
"For what it's worth," Anders spoke, so quiet Kaelan barely heard him. "I'm glad it's you. It was nice to be happy... for a while."  
Kaelan felt his resolve waver and he wanted to scream. This wasn't fair, why was is it _his_ decision to make? Yet he could not trust anyone else to make the judgement. It would be easy enough to pass the knife to Sebastian, let him spill the blood he so desperately wanted to. It would be easy enough to let Aveline, captain of the guard, to uphold the law of Kirkwall. It would be easy, but it didn't feel _right_. It had to be Hawke. He had to make this judgement.  
Kaelan raised his hand.  
And threw the knife down.  
"Get out of here," he hissed. "Get out and never come back."  
The silence which passed between them felt like it lasted a lifetime. No one else spoke, but their disbelief was palpable.  
"You cannot be serious!" Sebastian protested. Aveline threw a hand out to stop him from approaching, her silent gaze enough to quiet him for now.  
"You're... sparing me?" Anders looked up at Hawke, but Kaelan could not meet the apostate's gaze.  
"Didn't you hear me? Leave!" He shouted. "GO!"  
Anders got to his feet in silence and left. Hawke never saw him look back, neither did he hear Sebastian's angry vows the rally all of Starkhaven to hunt down the apostate. He paid the prince no heed as he stormed away. The world did not matter any longer.

 

  
"No."  
Merrill frowned. "You're a terrible liar sometimes, Hawke."  
"What's done is done," Kaelan responded firmly. He raised his arm and wiped his face on his sleeve, though it only made it dirtier. "There's no going back now."  
"You could always look for-"  
"Don't even suggest it," he cut her off sharply. "I cannot... I _will not_ forgive Anders." He couldn't, not after what the mage had done. Not only to the Chantry, but to him personally.  
Merrill frowned. "Surely you still care, even a little," she pressed.  
"Sparing him was not out of kindness," Hawke said stiffly. "What good would it have done to spill more blood? It would not have undone what had already been done."  
"Sounds like you still cared to me."  
Kaelan's brow furrowed and he pulled away from her. "I'm done talking about this," he grunted as he got to his feet. Merrill stood and dusted herself off as well.  
"What about Sebastian? He said he would hunt Anders down, aren't you worried?" Merrill asked.  
"That's on him," Hawke stated. "He wants to hunt Anders down, so be it. It's not my problem anymore." He looked over at her, his gaze distant and hardened. Whatever Anders's fate was now, it was of no concern of his. "Are you done questioning me now?"  
Merrill lowered her gaze. In that moment, he changed and Merrill barely recognized him. Kaelan had retreated beyond her reach once more, hidden himself behind his walls where no one could get to him. She worried if he would ever be the same again. For now, she would just have to let him heal on his own and hope that the Hawke she knew had not died completely. "Yes, let's go."

 

 

"I'm leaving for Ferelden."  
Aveline looked up from her desk. A frown creased her face and she rose from her chair. "What's brought this on, Hawke?"  
Kaelan shrugged dismissively, he wouldn't meet her gaze. "Oh, it might have something to do with the angry Templars wanting to kill me," he responded with weak sarcasm. "Or the people who blame me for Kirkwall going to shit. I have a whole list if you want it."  
The man before her was a ghost of his former self. He kept his head down, his striking lyrium-blue eyes were dull and lacked their usual spark. He was disheveled, his hair pulled back in just a simple ponytail rather than his usual immaculate braid. It was strange and heart breaking to see him in this state. Aveline had only seen him like this once before, in the days following Leandra's death. She knew all too well how volatile Hawke became when he was hurting, which only made him that much more reckless than usual.  
"So you decide to go to Ferelden, where things are no less bad?" Aveline rubbed at her temple, already feeling an impending headache. "Hawke, I think you need to rethink this plan. At least here you are under some protection as long as I'm captain, I can't exactly keep an eye on you in Ferelden."  
"I appreciate what you've done for me, Aveline, but I just need..." Kaelan trailed off and heaved out a sigh. "Something different. A change of pace."  
"Get a cat?" She suggested.  
"I hate cats."  
Aveline raised a brow. "You never minded cats when you were with-"  
" _I hate cats_." Kaelan's pointed glare cut her off and she exhaled heavily.  
The past three weeks had been a nightmare. Not only trying to curb the chaos that was now Kirkwall, but trying to deal with Hawke on top of it. He insisted, adamantly, that he was fine whenever anyone asked. He was over Anders and over everything that had happened and everyone should just _stop asking_. Merrill, however, told a far different story. For the time being, he'd decided to stay with her and help her look after the elves in the alienage. No one would look there for a renegade human apostate. Besides, she had more patience with him than the rest of them combined.  
"He cries at night, you know," Merrill admitted to her one day. "I never mention it to him. I don't know how he would react if he knew I knew."  
Aveline could hazard a guess.  
"You know, there's a young man in the guard who has a massive crush on you," Aveline suggested. "Maybe you could-"  
"No," he responded flatly.  
Aveline threw her hands up in defeat with a groan. "Ok, fine. Run off to Ferelden then," she said. "But don't expect me to bail you out if you get caught. How does Carver feel about this, anyway?"  
"I haven't told him," Kaelan responded with a shrug. "He's busy enough with the Templars. He'll probably be happy I'm leaving."  
"You know that's not true." Again with shoving everyone away. Even if he and Carver didn't have the best relationship it seemed that it had only further deteriorated over the past three weeks. As far as Aveline was aware, they hadn't spoken to each other after Carver called Anders "that murder happy maniac." Obviously, Hawke did not appreciate it yet he still stubbornly refused to admit he cared for the mage.  
"And what about Merrill?" Aveline pressed. "How does she feel about this?"  
"About the same as you," he replied. "She's worried about me."  
"Of course she is, Ferelden is well on its way to facing a mage rebellion," Aveline said, exasperated. "You're just as likely to be killed by Templars there as you are here."  
Kaelan averted his gaze. "Going out fighting sounds like a fitting end, doesn't it? It'll give Varric something to write about."  
Aveline felt a chill run down her spine. Whether he was joking or not made no difference, neither could she honestly tell. "If you're going to Ferelden to die in a blaze of glory so help me Hawke I'm placing you under arrest myself."  
"You'll have to catch me first," Kaelan responded, a chilling smile crossing his face. She hadn't seen him so much as crack a smile since before the battle of the Gallows. To see it now frightened her more than it assured her. Kaelan started for the door without another word, a hand raised in silent farewell.  
"Hawke? Hawke! Get back here!" Aveline called after him.  
But he was already gone.


End file.
